


Chasing Cars

by spacemonkey



Category: Fake News RPF
Genre: Angst, F/M, Insomnia, M/M, Self-Esteem Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-11
Updated: 2016-05-11
Packaged: 2018-06-07 19:11:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 623
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6820621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacemonkey/pseuds/spacemonkey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jon goes through cycles of insomnia. Written in 2006</p>
            </blockquote>





	Chasing Cars

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this back in 2006 after a bout of insomnia and I remember not liking it much, but ten years later I think it works. Enjoy :)

Jon goes through cycles of insomnia.  
  
When he was younger, he used to just masturbate in bed on the off chance that it would work (sometimes it would) but he’s older now and Tracey lies next to him.  
  
She’s seen him in various states of undress, heights of pleasure, lows of depression, even seem him jack off, but to do it while she’s sleeping feels wrong (Stephen might not care).  
  
He goes into the bathroom instead, sits on the toilet, but instead of taking matters into his own hands, his thoughts wander before he can even touch himself.  
  
He thinks of his babies, so beautiful and so loved, and it’s a good thing that he isn’t touching himself, because he’s sure that would border on creepy.  
  
His kids mean the world to him, and he often wonders:  
  
Is he a good father, is he a great father, can he be a better father than his own, and what the fuck is wrong with him if the answer is no?  
  
On a good day (3am), even when his brain is buzzing from the lack of sleep and his eyes are red, the answer is yes. He’s a good father.  
  
On a great day (midnight), even when his tics are magnified and his thoughts are in tangents, the answer is _yes_. A great father.  
  
But more often then not, it’s a bad day (dawn), and he’s looking at himself in the mirror, seeing how old he’s gotten and there are tears in his eyes; he knows that his father wins, and fuck, really, what the hell is wrong with him?  
  
That’s when his brain switches over to Tracey. She knows him, fucking _knows_ him, so well and she’s an amazing woman, but selfishly (at dawn) he wonders if he should just jack off in bed next to her, so she might wake up and be miserable with him. He hates himself for feeling that way, know she deserves better then that, and most of the time he doesn’t think that.  
  
But when the sun is rising and Jon hasn’t slept for three days, and coffee just isn’t doing it anymore (bourbon might), he can’t help but think that way.  
  
Sitting on the lid of the toilet, it’s 3am and he’s still a good father, but he doesn’t know if he’s a good husband (he was once). Would Tracey sit with him patiently, or would she roll over and tell him to go to sleep? The answer scared him (she’d never been patient).  
  
When had they become _that_ couple? Why could he only smell her perfume when he sprayed it, instead of in his mind? (There’s cologne now). How had he regressed to being terrified of jacking off in front of her? (Musky, airy, Stephen’s)  
  
Its dawn and he’s doubting himself again, tears prickling. No wonder Tracey won’t . . . (would Stephen?)  
  
She wouldn’t lay next to him anymore and help him forget the world (Stephen might), just lay and sleep and it was mechanical and different and he’s so old now.  
  
In the old days, back before, they could waste time doing the most inane things, and inane was perfect because they were together (Stephen helped him chase ambulances). In the old days, before the kids, but he knew he wouldn’t want to go back to then if it meant that he wasn’t able to be a bad father to his children.   
  
It’s time to get up (7am), but he’s already standing, his reflection looking back at him with red eyes, and it’s time to go be mechanical.  
  
He hates his bouts of insomnia, it makes him realize things that he wouldn’t think of when well rested and coherent.  
  
(maybe Stephen will stay with him one night . . .)


End file.
